Yesterday was the 40th day post-mortem of my mother. In an attorney’s office, I officially “relinquished possession,” as one person described my seven years of watching over my mother and her affairs.
Forty days is spiritually significant. So is the sum of seven years.
Forty is the time of testing. It’s the number of the days of rain that caused the Flood on which Noah’s Ark sailed alone. It’s the number of years for wandering in the desert without a home. It’s the length of days allotted to the devil in the temptation of Christ. It has been my time of testing.
Seven is the time of completion. In seven “days” God made the earth and saw that it was good. The walls of Jericho fell after the Israelites’ seventh trip around. A duration of seven is used in Biblical prophesy over and over to signify when an event will be completed. For me, the seventh year, when my mother died, is when my work is finished.
Now this chapter of my life has ended. I woke up at 4:30 in the morning thinking of that. I’m free, or I will be, when God has healed my hurt. In one fell swoop, I wrote a long, releasing poem (a section of which follows), and as I finished, there landed outside the window, like a God shot, a spotted towhee I'd never seen before (I found the above photo on the Web). My side of the street is clean, for now at least.
(A selection from)
In the Halls of Justice
They ask me why she left so little
There must be more, and if there’s not
I am blamed for having squandered
or absconded with the lot.
May they now get their fair share
of all the treasures left behind:
the love of books, the love of trees,
the satisfaction found in work,
The child’s faith that in God’s world
all is right, and all forgiven,
the precious laughter she was given
when the intellect was gone,
The certain knowledge she had sinned
but had atoned and now walked lightly
on a journey filled with hope,
the thankful heart, who thanked her helpers
On her deathbed in those awful hours,
who looked at me with shining joy
when she was just a bag of bones
and said how wonderful it was—
Though what it was, I’ll never know
unless I walk the road she walked.
My share is this: I stood as witness
to her effort in the final task
God put before her, and I saw
my mother go where no one goes
except the bravest: into battle,
stripped of weapons, to face a foe
Who killed her slowly.
They ask me why she left so little
There must be more, and if there’s not
I am blamed for having squandered
or absconded with the lot.
May they now get their fair share
of all the treasures left behind:
the love of books, the love of trees,
the satisfaction found in work,
The child’s faith that in God’s world
all is right, and all forgiven,
the precious laughter she was given
when the intellect was gone,
The certain knowledge she had sinned
but had atoned and now walked lightly
on a journey filled with hope,
the thankful heart, who thanked her helpers
On her deathbed in those awful hours,
who looked at me with shining joy
when she was just a bag of bones
and said how wonderful it was—
Though what it was, I’ll never know
unless I walk the road she walked.
My share is this: I stood as witness
to her effort in the final task
God put before her, and I saw
my mother go where no one goes
except the bravest: into battle,
stripped of weapons, to face a foe
Who killed her slowly.
I stayed to watch each bitter slice
Carve away each piece of her.
I heard her shriek. I heard her laugh.
I wrote down every word she spoke.
I watched as her unfailing faith
Renewed her strength each morning.
I leave them in the Halls of Justice
seeking justice from my mother.
I leave them, far, far richer than
They are, because she gave me
certainty that though I’ve sinned
I have atoned and now walk lightly
on a journey filled with hope.
Carve away each piece of her.
I heard her shriek. I heard her laugh.
I wrote down every word she spoke.
I watched as her unfailing faith
Renewed her strength each morning.
I leave them in the Halls of Justice
seeking justice from my mother.
I leave them, far, far richer than
They are, because she gave me
certainty that though I’ve sinned
I have atoned and now walk lightly
on a journey filled with hope.
