Monday, December 6, 2010

Let Me Tell You a Crooked Tale

I have to make a rhyming poem. That’s as easy and as painless as making my legs six inches longer. Some people I know can dash these things off at work while using Skil saws and scalpels. I put on sackcloth and ashes, lit my white-sage bundle, did a smoke cleansing of the office, and read “Jabberwocky.” Twas brillig but no juice.

Poetikat, the rhymer of all time, is making me do this. She’s in charge of the Poetry Bus, and our leader Hisself the Eejit lets her get away with it.

A rhyme by itself is painful enough,
but the dastardly Kat makes it even more tough:
Use the name of a pub! she wickedly chortles.
Turn the words in the name into kitties or mortals!
Do it all on your head and then in the buff!

The Crooked Kilt

A pub up on High Street called the Crooked Kilt
sported the finest accoutrements man ever built
Like bidets in the “Lasses”
and self-filling glasses
and self-cleaning floors when thy cookies were spilt.

How about this:

I Kilt Him
I had a crooked spouse
who was truly a louse
about buying me flowers on my birthday.
So I tied him in lashes
and cooked him to ashes
then scattered him gaily on Earth Day.

No, again? Well, then, here is my best shot:

A Crooked Plot
A solitary man lived down the lane
and they called him Crooked Joe.
His affliction was strange but he didn’t complain
about his hard row to hoe.

At daybreak a person could find him
far out in the field on his tractor,
In shades so the sun didn’t blind him,
headed west since the sun was a factor

in the pain that tormented his head.
So west he would plow until about noon
when the sun was straight up overhead,
then east he would turn and head for the moon.

No one knew why but the sight of the sun
drove poor old Joe unbearably wild.
He’d howl and run with his britches undone;
insanity he showed as a child.

Luckily for Joe his fields were thin
but their length was incredibly long
and where his land ends, the Kilts’ begins
and Eliza discerned what was wrong.

So Eliza Kilt watched out for Joe
and she opened their gate for his plow
when he ran out of westward to go,
hoping he’d finally marry her now

and this be the summer his heart awoke.
One day she hailed Joe with bewitching glee,
and by Jove, he stopped the tractor and spoke,
then he did something she didn’t foresee:

He leaped from his seat and grabbed her waist!
“Eliza, my dear, you must marry me now!
I’m tired of waiting, and we have to make haste
so you can open your gate for my plow!”

She scrambled aboard with undo speed
without pausing to ask the man why.
They sped to the church, then home with their need
while the sun laughed high in the sky.


Kat Mortensen said...

"Opened her kilt to his plow" -

Don't mean to be haughty,
But that's really quite naughty.
He was Crooked, that Joe,
And Eliza, well, she was just a Hoe!

(Really bad from the all-time rhymer, but it IS 2:00 a.m.!)

I loved "I Kilt Him"! and the one with the bidets.

Thanks for playing, Chris!


Dianne said...

oh lassie, do you have a banana in your kilt or are you just rhyming to see me?

I hate it but mine is a crooked rhyme and that's all I can stand......

the walking man said...

With your now displayed perfect scansion, meter, and rhyme you will forever write like Robert Frost for all time.

Karen said...

Funny, funny, funny!!

Rachel Fox said...

Crazy stuff - very enjoyable.

Helen said...

A terrific trifecta~~~~~I'm out of rhyme.

Woman in a Window said...

You.ARE.a hoot!

That dare plow 'd hurt a mighty lot! Here's hoping she has a mighty wide gate.


The Bug said...

Oh well done - & you made me laugh, which I think was the point of the exercise.

You know, I grew up saying "hard road to hoe." My whole life. My grandfather was a dairy farmer & my dad always kept a large garden, but it wasn't until I was an adult that I thought to think, "road? why would you hoe a road?" Sigh.

Marion said...

Hee, hee...I'm glad old Joe is happy now. I'm glad "Eliza understood what was wrong."!

"I Kilt Him" is a super poem, as well...I especially like that she scattered him on Earth Day. Perfect!

Anonymous said...

This is worthy of a page in "The Limerick" (the dirtiest book of poetry I own), unless of course, I just have a filthy mind and I've misunderstood your intent. Either way, great poem! - G

Enchanted Oak said...

What doom Walking Man predicts for me! I hate rhyme, oh Lord! Let it not be!

Magpie said...

Ha Ha!! You did a wonderful job!!
I love them all. Don't know scansion from pudding, but I know I like your poems.....rhymes and all. :)

Trellissimo said...

Had you been in the pub drinkikg before you picked up the pen? LOL :) Cheers!

Monkey Man said...

There droplets of sweat
made you keyboard wet
as you birthed these samples of rhyme.
Thinking you've paid your rhythmic debt
You will only begin to fret
Because now we expect this all the time.

Peter Goulding said...

So, making your legs six inches longer is fluid and painless, is it? The Ballad of Crooked Joe is an absolute classic - brilliant humour, possibly (sadly I'm not bright enough to know for sure|) somewhat risque but brilliant fun, effortlessly rhymed and perfect meter. Seems whatever you turn your hand to....

Syd said...

Wonderful ones Chris. Open your gate for my plow--hey, hey.

Titus said...

Really enjoyed the last - delightfully Middle English in its double-entendres - but the middle one is the stand-out for me. Magnificent! I would have kilt him too.

NanU said...

I like them all! Especially the spouse louse.
I hope your kitty is alright. I'm just now getting to the other post... The poor dear...

Kim A. said...

Why do I think this should be read standing in a sheep field in Glocca Morra? Loved them today!


Totalfeckineejit said...

I hope you enjoyed writing them as much as I enjoyed reading them! Great fun!

Scott said...

well, I don't know how tought the process was, but the result re-affirms my belief in your skills as a wordsmith!

You're so humble lol

TechnoBabe said...

No straight lines in your writing today; all crooked lines.

jinksy said...

Goodness me - blogger has decided to play ball, an up popped this comment window! But It's taken so long, I've forgotten what I was going to say! LOL

Marla said...

Brilliant and bravo!!!