Sunday, September 13, 2009

Gratitude After a Relapse

The Drug Addict’s Lament

the dope the dope the dope
shrieking at you in the cupboard
open the door the sleight of hand
stealing on Easter for Christ’s sake
how can you
the dope the dope the dope
shrieking so loud you hear nothing
but its call from the cupboard
so you open the door on Easter
rolling the stone away from the tomb
and free the dope the dope the dope
shuddering with shame and gladness
leaping into the tomb

Today I'm grateful for the freedom I have through the power of my God.

The BB says, "The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink."

It's part of my story that I was sober one Easter morning, and on a visit to my aunt I stole her painkillers--without a single thought about my sobriety! I'd had 15 years and drank again (see My Story), then got 14 months both clean and sober, then came that Easter morning and the attack of the "strange mental twist."

So today I keep a close walk with my Higher Power and I work extensively with other alcoholics. One of the meditations in my "Twenty-four Hours a Day" book has been a help to me:

"Keep as close as you can to the Higher Power. Try to think, act, and live as though you were always in God's presence. Keeping close to a power greater than yourself is the solution to most of the earth's problems. Try to practice the presence of God in the things you think and do. Abide in the Lord and rejoice in His love."

"Nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics!"

I am doubly grateful that my Higher Power has put newcomers in my life. They give me joy when all else fails. Today I'm off to the beach with Julia, to read the eighth step and go to an open-mike poetry reading. It doesn't get any better than that!


Paula said...

THank you for sharing this. With my Ex-partner being first actively drinking and now a dry drunk, I appreciated any inside in an addicts mind. However my one isnt drinking, but not seeking recovery either. Spiraling down by now and his behaviour becomes as unberaable as during drinking time. I so much love to learn about what is going on inside him. Thanks again for sharing and being out there. Hugs across the pond

Tall Kay said...

I just love step work on the beach too! There is something so spiritual about the sea...the sounds, the smell. We are blessed to live near the ocean. I am so grateful you made it many never do.

Dulce said...

Hi Chris
Thank you for coming by.
I think your blog is really good, what you write is moving and your poems are great. I love the photos too. I am glad about your family and recovery.
Thanks for following me.

Shadow said...

what voice, once it starts calling and feels you listening, is the most powerful voice in the universe and can drown out any sense and willpower...

enchantedoak said...

Let's see, Shadow, would that be the voice of...The Disease???? They don't call it Cunning, Baffling, and Powerful for nothing!

Monkey Man said...

Enchanted - Thanks for coming by and participating in my goofy Sunday 160. Loved what you wrote. Like your post here too. Keep coming back.

the walking man said...

It is an interesting thing to see the path others have walked down and to realize that even though unique there is much sameness in the way people walk. Personally I feel demons and the fear they are so good at evoking are for eating. *burp* 'scuse me. I'm much stronger now that I have been fed.

AnyEdge said...

Welcome to the community, Chris, or EnchantedOak, whichever you prefer!

Syd said...

You are enchanted in many ways. Thanks for sharing about staying close to your HP. I stay close to mine too. Because I am my own worst enemy.

big Jenn said...

I found your blog through another that I follow.Your poetry is great.
I just recently had a recovering friend go back out due to pain meds. (she's so far gone she doesn't see it that way,sigh) Cunning, baffling, and powerful!
Really enjoyed your bolg, I'll be a regular. jeNN