Monday, April 5, 2010

Alice Goes to Wonderland

This is my mother posing in front of a favorite barn before she became so bad.
Since the FBI closed down Mom's home, I am stunned and desparately unhappy. Of the half-dozen facilities we visited, all turned Mom down but one, the most expensive 30 miles from home. She didn'' even have to bare her breast to be rejected. She simply had to have occasional outbursts of lucidity.They want TV watchers.

Wednesday night, we went to a local store for a few items for her. She would be staying with me until suitable accommodations could be found. There in the front of the large store, she had a meltdown. She wouldn't follow me, claim any affiliation with me, loudly claimed I had to leave her alone. Reason makes no difference in a meltdown.

I was thankful for the strangers who quietly distracted her while I ran and got my car and drove it onto the sidewalk. Strangers gently walked her to the car and several of us gently pushed her in. I locked the door and we were off, me sobbing and her angry shouting NO! repeatedly. I actually screamed at her. I screamed I hate you! I hate what you've become!

The night was not over. I aimed Mom at the door of the house and walked up the sidewalk with her. My hubby Joe answered and so did the three beagles. Mom began shouting that this was not her place and she had been kidnapped. In an effort to relieve her of her packages, she struck out at one of us, we ducked, and she went down. She landed on the edge of the low bookshelf and ripped a four inch deep gash in her arm. She fought like a banshee. We called 911. They calmed her down.

Now to the ER and its hours and hours of waiting. For some reason, I think to do with her dementia, they decided to keep her overnight at 2 a.m.. They have kept her for five nights. She can't walk, she can't talk coherently, but she can sure eat.

I meanwhile, feed her meals by hand, make calls to care homes, taking her for walks, and manage to burn up some hours doing I don't know what.
I am calling her "Mommy" now. God help us . Make her heart stop. Please.
For the whole story about the FBI raid, see Tuesday's or Wednesday's post. At this point, my brain is a sieve.
******

29 comments:

the walking man said...

Tried this drug yet?

nsiyer said...

Rather unfortunate. My prayers are with you.

Secretia said...

It's the saddest thing, the cruelest disease. I wish her peace, and peace to you also.

Secretia

Collette said...

I am so sorry you are going through this. I know it's not easy. I will be praying for you & mom. (((HUGS)))

Syd said...

Chris, I hope that things will ease up but your being her caregiver is going to be too much--just my opinion. Perhaps there could be a "sitter" hired to come in and help until a suitable place can be found for her. I didn't realize that it is so difficult to find a place to place someone who has dementia. What do people do? Caring for someone in her condition seems more than difficult. I am thinking of you.

evalinn said...

My thoughts are with you!

Sherry said...

I am so very sorry you're having to endure this pain! Please don't feel any guilt for screaming at her...or for wanting God to take her...you are human!

I pray that this becomes more manageable very soon!

Kristin H. said...

Oh, Chris. My heart goes out to you. I have you in my thoughts, believe me. It will all work out, I truly believe that.

Brian Miller said...

lord, you have had quite the adventure. sad. cant imagine. hope you are getting some rest while she is in the hospital....

Tracy said...

This must be so difficult for you all. Praying that God will give you the strength you need and provide you with some answers soon.

Birdie said...

Chris, I'm sending you and your mom love!

Kim A. said...

I have been thinking of you these past few days and holding you up in my prayers. I am also sending my guardian angles for reinforcements. Hugs... I have sent you an email too.

♥namaste♥

TechnoBabe said...

You have been on my mind since the FBI fiasco and this post tells me what you have been dealing with. I am so sorry to hear about the stress and anxiety in your life right now. There aren't words to spare you the pain but I can tell you I care.

Dianne said...

I saw your poem in the Tribune on Sunday, for the April feature, From Soul to Paper. Right there on the first page of the section. I'll save my copy. Congratulations, Chris. We are sending you our prayers.

Teri and the cats of Furrydance said...

I got quite emotional reading your post, reading what you are going through, wishing that your mom could find respite in the environment of routine that Alzheimers affected people so need. You are doing your best in a terrible situation and I hope you can maintain your sanity and health til then. You are in my thoughts.

chitowngreg said...

My heart goes out to you. Please just remember your Mother the way she used to be. Dementia and Alzheimer's is about as bad as it gets. Try to stay close to your program and seek direction. Take care!

Terra said...

I prayed for you and your mom, that you will find her a home that is what she needs, soon.
So many people are in crisis with this cruel disease.

pattinase (abbott) said...

Lord, this is awful. I pray for your release. Or hers, I mean.

e said...

Chris,

There is a website for the National Alzheimer's Association that you can Google. They have some resources there and as I scanned, it looked as though they had a 24/7 Helpline for caregivers. They may be able to help with some of your mother's and your caregiver issues. If you have already tried this, excuse my redundancy. I would also call your local librarian and ask if there are any resources for caregivers and Alzheimer's patients in your area---there may be a directory or a support group or respite care for you, for example.

I'm sending good thoughts your way, for both of you.

Peter Stone said...

Thank you for sharing what you've been going through. I'll be remembering your situation in my prayers.

Steve E said...

If God goes out of His way to help ANBODY today, I hope it is for YOU he goes...dear god, do not let this destroy your faith, your hope.....your love!

You are in my thoughts frequently these day...it cold be any ONE of us in your predicament.

Blessings.

Magpie said...

What to say that will help...there's really nothing, but to pray that you can find the strength to make it through to the other side of this challenging time in your life. I pray that you can gather hope and a lightness of spirit from your fond memories of your mom before this awful disease took her from you.

RNSANE said...

Oh, my dear Chris, you know I can so relate to what you are going through, having just been through something related with my own mother. It's no way to live, is it, for you or for her. The latest in my saga is that Medicare, which we though would pay for the first ninety days since she had an in patient hospitalization prior to her admission, is declining payment beyond the first thirty days. All because PT/OT said my mother isn't participating in rehab. Well, she won't because she can't. She just sleeps through it ( sedation, stroke, whatever ) - so, as of the 1st, the $6000/month fee is coming out of her own funds, the CDs she left for us which had to be cashed in for her care. Her lawyer
( which cost us $5000 for the rest of her life ) will begin the Medicaid application process which will kick in once she's exhausted all her funds.

She always wanted death to this...but it looks like we don't get to choose in these matters, do we.

I wish I could send strength, my friend. Hang in there...much love to you.

Pure Fiction said...

I only came to your blog a couple of week's ago on the poetry bus, but I'm really sorry to hear about your mother. Don't forget to take care of yourself too.

Marla said...

Oh Chris, I so remember. I am praying and here for you. It's a journey that changes everything.

Tari said...

I am glad that she is in and out of the hospital, and now into another facility (and out of your home). Sorry that it's so far away for you. Hopefully you will be able to get some rest soon. Thoughts and prayers.

Scott said...

Chris God Bless you and mom... this too shall pass...

Woman in a Window said...

Chris, farq. Just want to hug you.

She is gorgeous there in front of that barn. Fricken gorgeous.

I think about you and me, her, all of us. Where we go and why. I think about her younger. She was a strong strong woman, wasn't she.

And then I just want to hug you again.

xo
erin

Prayer Girl said...

"Make her heart stop", you ask God to help.

I GET IT - I remember too vividly. It's like living in a nightmare you can't wake from. My mother and her mother, and am I next? I pray someone just shoots me if I too inherit this most hideous disease.

I am praying God will give you strength.

PG

Albert Einstein Quotes