These are days that try my soul. Why would God afflict a woman who loved Him with a terrible case of dementia? Why would He give her a healthy body and disinegrating brain?
As she struggles in the new care home, wetting herself, endlessly pacing without sleep, thinking whatever fragments of thoughts are allowed through that mind, I struggle with deepening depression. It is Spring, life is good, there is much that is fine. But my mom is so ill. It's an oppression that follows me wherever I go.
My cat Mystery is interested in life. She wonders nothing about the inequities or spiritual conundrums that plague me. This morning I am doing a 2nd step with a sponsee. I praise my creator for lifting me out of the depths of insanity in which I dwelt for 37 years. I show Him my fist in memory of Mom.
26 comments:
Praying for you, Chris.
Odd and rather funny image of offering praise with a raised fist of defiance.
there are questions we will never answer and most start with why...i am glad you are there for your mom...
I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. God will not give you what you cannot handle. Always remember the love she gave you. (((HUGS)))
Dear one I am here listening.....
((((EO))))
You show him your fist and your gratitude. You are a beautiful woman. Strong too. Keep it up. You are growing stronger all around this.
(That is a gorgeous shot of your cat, Mystery, and what a name!)
xo
erin
I will pray for peace for your mom and strength and grace for you. Hugs. Lots of hugs.
♥namaste♥
Truth in small matters, was your Einstein blog quote.
You have been wound so tightly to face a crisis the past weeks, that now you must unwind. It will feel like going backwards, and may take several cycles of turning and turning and returning.
but you will reach a stability again, in the balance again.
Somehow I think we will truly never know the "why" of many things. All we can do is accept things as they are, adapt as best as possible, and then pray to keep our sanity, and I also think to be thankful for life.
You are a strong person, and show strength to so many in your handling of this situation. May God's angels continue to watch over you, your mom, and your family.
God bless.
I can't bring you words of spiritual comfort : although I expect there are others out there who can do that. All I can say is that - from what little I know of you - you will come through this. If the thoughts and good wishes of your friends help - you have those in abundance.
I believe that it is through our struggles and those of others that we may come to recognize the depth of our humanity. There are people in your mother's life who are discovering their patience and compassion.
You are in my thoughts, Chris.
I understand your ambivalence towards Creator. I felt that way myself the other day.
A sponsor once told me there is nothing wrong with being angry with Creator. Sometimes one just gets overloaded with anger; Creator can take it. It's not that anything will change, particularly, but you can get a lot off your shoulders and onto His.
You've been through a very trying time which shook you to the core. Finding your balance will take time, I think.
I'm thinking of you, Chris.
prayers for you hunny. i can understand your feelings, your frustration, the unfairness of it all... but there is a plan in everything, right? we have to believe it, and we have to believe...
Oh, I so pray that Kristin H. is right and that God is working His purposes through these difficult times. Praying God holds you gently in His hand today and tomorrow and that you feel peace and renewal.
Perfectly understandable to show your fist in memory of mom.
You are working the program and taking care of yourself. Hugs to you.
Chris, I don't have any answers. But I believe that those with dementia aren't really tormented souls. Perhaps they simply don't even realize that things are so different now than before. It seems that those of us who watch are tormented more. I have so much empathy that it gets in the way of my own spirit at times.
We don't know the answers, but just try to be of service to your mother and take care of yourself, rather than feeling torment or anger. Easier said that done, but please remember that you are cared for!
Prayers are being offered for you and for your mother. Sometimes the lessons we teach are for us. Sometimes the lessons we teach are for others. Compassion is one of the most difficult lessons for me to learn.
I really feel for you and the situation with your mom's health. I guess I should consider myself fortunate that my mom had her mental faculties until she could no longer do anything but breathe. I wish for mercy for your mother.
I don't have any experience with dementia or alzheimers. And I hope I never do. I feel for you. I don't have the answers, but perhaps a member of the clergy of your choice? I do hope you find solace.
The only thing I know is that the soul is infused with the spirit of God no matter what state the mind or body is in. I hold tight to that hope, that belief, that faith. Without it, what do I have?
Peace be with you.
PG
37 years in the depths, now you're free, I'm so happy for you.!
I'm so sorry about your mom. I can only imagine how difficult it is, and I hate that it's happening. Praying for you and sending good wishes and hugs your way.
Hi Chris! I have to say that if I were in your position I might struggle with this conundrum as well. I wish I could offer some solace. I do know that for me, acceptance goes a long way when it comes to heavy spiritual mysteries. I try to rely upon my faith in God's absolute goodness and know that He has a plan. And, if it's His plan it has to be good.
I think of you and mom and pray for peace and wellness for you both.
I recognise a lot of this from how it was with my grandmother. I´m thinking of you!
The brain is a mystery universe.
But the spirit keeps love alive.
I am sending you loads of serenity
my blogger friend.Your courage to share gives my own spirit strength.
I love that about writing and blogging.
Thank you for sharing.
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