Saturday, April 24, 2010

The Big Ol’ Lovable

I’m not much, but I’m pretty much all I think about.

When I first heard that in an AA meeting, I was stunned by how true it is. Me, myself, and I make up the goofy trio that basically runs my interior monologue.
It takes an effort to think about other people. Pretty pathetic, isn’t it?
Is everybody essentially self-conscious? Or is it just me?
I’m so self-centered, I even wrote a love poem about being on the receiving end of my family’s love.

Big Ol’ Lovable Me

They love me, that crazy batch of people
who apparently cherish the me they see on the
outside, this marionette who does my bidding,
although I can’t imagine what they perceive.

I am quaint, I guess, a nice middle-aged woman
with a smile and a kind word for everyone and
a sad one now and then when my puppet master
decides to throw some angst into the act. I say

Thank you for loving me; but I marvel why
when inside seems such a concatenation of
off-key syllables and scenery and very little
of what one might call goodness. I am delirious

with confusion, held in check by strands in the
hands of the me who walks the outer world
while the inner world mourns my secrets
and those fat thighs and flabby belly which

attend me everywhere. A constant piratical arg
tunelessly hums in my head as I go about
the business of being lovable, as if I were hopeless,
really, and altogether unlike the dear sweet
woman aging tenderly in the minds of others.


Monkey Man said...

That saying registered with me too. I have been using it for years. Love your muse on family's love for should view yourself that way.

Brian Miller said...

love the piratical arg! teehee. glad you have those who can surround you with reminders that you are lovable...

Scott said...

what a great poem :-) i can so relate lol

Karen said...

This is absolutely without question my favorite poem of yours! What wonderful language (concatenation!) and great line breaks! This stands up against any modern poem I've read. Oh, uh, and me, too...

Birdie said...

You make me smile :-) and you remind me about one my girl friend - an incredible intelligent funny pretty woman :-) but she cannot turn off her smart brain if even for just a while ... that brings her lots of confusion and sometimes suffering ... I don't really know you but I don't think that you are more self - centered then the rest of us ;-) helas that's why I find simplicity and mindfulness pretty helpful ;-)) have a lovely w-e Chris

the walking man said...

Me Myself and I the Larry Moe and Curly of the psyche.

Marion said...

Heh! I have another AA saying which really resonated with me...Don't go into your mind alone.

I love the AA sayings and once had most memorized. Thanks for bringing up this one...I had forgotten it.

And no, it's not just you!

Helen said...

This should be required reading for
'every woman of a certain age.' Loved it!

TechnoBabe said...

It's a tough place to get to. We need to love ourselves but not to the exclusion of all else. I like in your poem how you describe the quaint middle aged woman. I always describe myself as how I think others see me: a grandma librarian. Sooo far from the real me. So, sweet dear woman aging tenderly in the minds of other, we find much more we have in common. Only you have the great words to describe it.

Christina said...

this is such a wonderful poem.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for this. I have struggled with the "unlovable me" beast for a long, long time. Even when all the evidence in front of me suggests that I am loved, I still have to work really hard at not rejecting it. The teachings of AA and Al-Anon are some of the best I have ever come across. I feel blessed to have witnessed others, and myself, live and learn through them. - G

Shadow said...

whaaaaat? you mean it's not all about me, heee heee heeeee. great poem!

Syd said...

I needed to love myself more. It is still a struggle to do that in the face of the alcoholic's self centeredness.

Dianne said...

count me in that family. wish I could talk the way you write....

steveroni said...

I just LOVE the way you love your mom. It is "the way". And when you allow us to "see" that, we/I am taught another "how to" love.

Magpie said...

You are a treasure...sometimes buried...but a treasure!

Julie said...

I love your poem! It's lively, lyrical, and describes what we all feel. I struggle with "the self" every day of my life. It's so hard sometimes to find that balance between healthy self esteem and selfishness.

I had never heard the quote before, and it is a good one to remember!

Jingle said...

5 awards.
Happy Monday!