Tired of Fighting

I’m glad somebody has written an instruction manual explaining when to accept a situation and when to change it. I didn’t get Life’s Little Instruction Book when I was born, and what I know I’ve had to earn through trial and error. Much of what I’ve had to let go has scratch marks from my fingernails trying to keep hold of it.



So I was happy to be asked to review a book called “The Wisdom to Know the Difference: When to make a change—and when to let go” because I seriously need some tips. Life has been dicey for the past nine months and it looks to continue in that vein. There’s nothing remarkable about my “issues” except they’re new to me: Health problems, family worries, financial concerns, death and loss. I want to change them. Mainly I want them to stop hurting.

“The Wisdom to Know the Difference,” written by a Quaker spiritual teacher, Eileen Flanagan, is a guide to using the “serenity prayer” to change or accept the circumstances in one’s life. These days I’m saying the prayer with renewed vigor. I’ve said it thousands of times in AA meetings and I grew numb to it. Now I mean it with all my heart:

“God, grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change, the COURAGE to change the things I can, and the WISDOM to know the difference.”

I used to think the prayer was about ACCEPTING all the bad stuff inflicted on my world by outside forces. My AA training emphasizes acceptance: “Acceptance is the solution to all my problems today.” I have always choked on that, because as someone once told me, my “justice” meter is very sensitive. I’m a child of the anti-racism, anti-war, feminist era, and I fight back when people or institutions perpetrate injustice. Refusing to be intimidated, refusing to accept wrongdoing, applying effort to make change happen ~ this attitude has created major changes in my lifetime.

“The courage to change” is a strength, isn’t it? How will I discern “things I cannot change” unless I try to change them, and fail…a number of times? I feel as if I’ve fought for things all my life ~ overcoming my upbringing, success in college, good jobs, incompatible men, major depression, recovery from addiction, trying to be a good mother, a good daughter, a good wife. But last week I heard myself say, “I’m tired of fighting.”

I realize suddenly that it’s SERENITY I’m asking for first of all; peace of mind has to come before I can even think about accepting a situation or being courageous enough to work for change. For me, peace of mind is composed mainly of trust, the belief that all is fundamentally well. In talking with my hospice grief counselor and reading “The Wisdom to Know the Difference,” the spiritual journey starts with examining my ability to trust God’s ability to take care of things.

Some people read the instructions when they get a new product and some people don’t. I like instructions. So I appreciate the organization used by author Eileen Flanagan in “The Wisdom to Know the Difference”: seven steps in seven chapters, each one opening a gateway to the next. Eileen uses a logical process to describe a spiritual one, with lots of concrete examples from the lives of people she interviewed. She gets high marks from me for offering plenty of practical actions along the way ~ spiritual wisdom is wonderful, but I want to know what to DO in everyday life.

This is a book that needs to be studied. It asks searching questions. It aims to help to you transform your life in important, long-lasting ways. Take a look at the nature of her seven “lessons”: Recognize your conditioning, get to know who God made you to be, listen for divine guidance, change your attitude, accept yourself and others as you all are, let go of what you think things should be, take part in a community of people. There’s a lot to be done in the way of self-evaluation.

Eileen’s premise is that the serenity prayer asks the God I trust to give me: 1) peace in the face of things I can’t influence, because I have faith that God has a loving plan much larger than I can comprehend; 2) courage to act when I ought to act, because many times change for the better is needed; and 3) the inner clarity to discern which of those two God wants me to do. Making changes is equally important as recognizing when to let go and let God. Letting go is not the same as giving up.

“The Wisdom to Know the Difference” tells me that the serenity prayer isn’t about standing around accepting there’s nothing I can do to change things unless God assigns me some mission. Acceptance doesn’t mean doing nothing. There’s always something I can do, and often that involves the hard work of honest self-examination, recognizing what I’m afraid of, releasing my grip on expectations, and changing my attitude.

My review is part of a cyber book tour, and if you’re interested, you can see with other reviewers think here.