Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Conquering Fear

I Fear the Back Garden

It’s a jungle out there
dahlias rioting and dying
sunflowers machine-gunning
their seeds like bullets
dog shit and snails
weeds like explosions
bursting out of the soil

I’m afraid to go out there
and I’m on five
brain chemicals trying
to reach stasis after
the downward slide

I need a machete
of the mind or a real
one to wipe out
the enemy, but
the enemy is irrational
and never where
I thought she was,
never who I thought
she was and it turns
out I am not the enemy

Fear is the enemy
and there is no drug
to wipe out fear
You must go
into the jungle
if you want to reach
the other side

We’re experiencing an Indian summer, with nights in the 40s and days in the 80s. I don’t remember having dahlias blooming in November before. I walked around and took pictures of some to share on my blog today.

It was a victory to do that. I had developed an irrational fear of going to the back garden, afraid to see all the work that needed doing. I didn’t go back there for seven days after my hiatus at the hospital. FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real. Once I tackled it, it wasn’t so bad.

So I’m grateful today for these flowers, which I can cut and put in vases all over the house just to see their cheery faces.
I’m grateful that I’m present today and courageous enough to enjoy these moments.
I’m grateful that I feel so good and the time in the psychiatric hospital helped.
I’m grateful for digital cameras. They give instant gratification.
I’m grateful for my great husband, who just washed my car for me.
I’m grateful for stumbling into blogland and finding you people here.


Shadow said...

i love your poem. that is life sometimes, so very real... glad you made it out there and that the fear has shrunken.

Tall Kay said...

"Once I tackled it, it wasn't so bad." This is my lifelong mantra. The dahlias are gorgeous! I am amazed at all the flowers still in bloom here too. Today it is foggy here...kinda cool!

big Jenn said...

Fear is a trick of the mind, and illusion.
I always ask myself when I am afraid, "What's the worst thing that could happen?" Even if I play that question all the way out to the end, I know what pain feels like, emotional pain, and I'm still here! So, what the heck! Just do it. jeNN

Gin said...

As always love the poem! And I am so grateful to have found you here in blogland as well!

Karen said...

I am sitting here, fearful of so many things, too, Chris. I am going to repeat your acronym so I can focus on the falseness of the fear.

Thanks for the picture of that most beautiful dahlia of gorgeous color. It's grey and gloomy here today, but I am grateful that I can see this day. (Trying to take a gratitude lesson from you.)

Gabriella Moonlight said...

Sometime I'll have to tell you my Dahalia story,,,not dahlia story...LOL!

I am so honored to have found you in blogland too, it's a two way blogsphere!

Much love

Anonymous said...

I love your pictures ~ they are as beautiful and inspiring as the poem you penned. I SO love the F.E.A.R. reminder and it's just as I, now, today. So many things I blow out of proportion that if I would just tackle might surprise me with their ease.

Really liked your gratitude list today as well. Sometimes it's the simplest things in life, fresh cut flowers and cameras, that can give us the greatest joy. Why do we drunks always want to complicate things? :-)

Hugs, hugs, hugs,


PS: Thank you for your note on my anniversary today. It was nice to get your hugs as well.

DreamDancer said...

Likewise, I'm grateful I've found you here in blogland. I love your poems, and pictures too. Blessings dear.

the walking man said...

No, not a machete. A simple knife and fork will do, as you sit and eat your fear you will find that they in truth are really much smaller things than they appeared.

Look at the right side door mirror on your car, what are the words printed there?

Brian Miller said...

fear...greets us in the morning and robs us of the day, unless we pluck them putting them in fancy vases on display...easier said than done, but the cost is too great otherwise.

following along now...i'll be back.

Just Be Real said...

This is simply beautiful. Flowers are very special. WE certainly can overcome fear!! Thank you for sharing.

Lou said...

My husband washes and fills up my car every week end. When I tell people that, they say I'm spoiled.
And so we are, Chris!

~ Tabitha ~ said...

Fears come and go as we stop look listen and grow ;)
Great gratitude list..
And yes,blogland is something a lot of us are grateful for too ;)
Thanks for sharing.

Julie said...

Oh, yes. Comparing fear to a jungle is very true. Sometimes the fear is worse than the thing we fear. I'm glad you conquered it. Wonderful poem and pictures.

Syd said...

Chris, this really touched me. I face fear but sometimes just the projecting of fear that I do makes my imagination become wild. It is something that I work on daily.