Thursday, December 3, 2009

Lust Changes Everything

Lust Changes Everything

Dense fog makes ghosts of trees lining the parkway.
No sun, no sky, no color brighten this bleak place.
Even dogs leashed to dedicated owners droop,
plodding onward on the sidewalk, joyless.

Then they come, the flock of cedar waxwings.
They drift like leaves from trees down to the bushes
where the red berries wait. Gobbling seeds,
these jaunty bandits change everything.
In their red-berry lust, they make even
the coldest heart delightedly sing.


Wednesday was a day filled with fear, anxiety, excitement, and sorrow. I had the radio performance to look forward to, with a small group of women friends coming over to support me in my anxiety.
I had to take my demented mom out for her Wednesday outing first, so I spent some time in prayer about her. I asked God to give me joy and patience with her infirmity, because she is a cheerful childlike woman whom I used to love deeply. I asked for gratitude for her and love of what she has become. In other words, I prayed thoughts of thanksgiving and acceptance.
I took her Christmas shopping, and everywhere she went, she brought joy to clerks and customers alike with her obvious pleasure. My attitude had changed from one of sorrow to one of grace.
I was frightened of the radio broadcast, thinking I would sound like a dork. I prayed all the way home prayers of thanksgiving for the opportunity to read in public, thanksgiving for the gift of words. I had invited a lot of my AA friends over to support me. They came and loved me up. I sounded like a dork reading but they assured me it was very fine, powerful in fact. We laughed and told stories, ate Joe's scones and Karen's wonderful tart, drank tea and talked of art and sobriety.
I went on my blog and found several of you had listened and it was the cream on the cake. My happiness knows no bounds.
My sense of thankfulness runneth over. I walked through anxiety and fear without having to medicate or drink. I'm in a 12-Step program that teaches me how to respond to negative emotions with prayer and gratitude. My Higher Power blesses me richly every day. My God has provided all that I need and blessed me richly besides. I feel more joy than I can stand at this moment, and I thank you for sharing this experience with me.
May God bless your day, and make you a blessing to others, too.
cheers from chris!


Shadow said...

days, with such an obvious turn-around are a gift!!!!!

the walking man said...

Glad yoou had a good time with your mom Chris that was more important than being a dork on the radio.

Hell I sound like a dork every week but what the hell we is what we is. Remind us when the archives are updated they only do to 11/11 as of right now.

Susan said...

Awesome! So glad it all went well. Thanks for being a blessing yourself.

Dave King said...

Sounds to have been a really tense day, one way and another. How wonderful, though, to have so many good friends and to know that they enjoyed it.

Tall Kay said...

It sounds like you had a marvelous day! I think it is so special that your friends all came to listen with you. More love than we ever imagined! I can't wait to hear it.

What a beautiful bird. No wonder you were so excited when they returned. Such a gift for winter to bring!

Anonymous said...

The poem is delightful, and the bird... soooo very beautiful!
I'm glad you had a blessed day and some time with your Mom. Hugs from the heart :)

Brian Miller said...

and your happiness is so bright it has shined like golden sun into my day...smiles.

Nessa said...

Lovely poem. I love birds at this time of year.

Name That Christmas Song

Syd said...

I'm glad that your day went well in spite of all the apprehension. Your mother sounds delightful. I would become impatient with mine as well but later realized how selfish that was of me. I hope to listen to the archive of your reading as soon as it is available.

Prayer Girl said...

The longer I am sober the more I am led into situations that I feel sure I won't be able to handle. I have learned God is leading me there to learn how much I really can accomplish if I but lean on Him. And thank God for our program friends who support and encourage us.

How wonderful for you to have walked through this fearful experience. (Piece of cake?) :)


lakeviewer said...

Chris,I'm sure you did great. I will catch it on the archives. Glad to know that you found strenght to give your mom and outing. It must be tough to handle everything sometimes.

enchantedoak said...

Here is a scene from yesterday:
Mom and her cane, and I in my anxiety, were waiting to cross the busy street. Two cars, moving toward us in opposite directions, stopped to let us cross.
I took my mother's hand, and she gripped mine firmly, and we walked slowly across the street, as the drivers patiently waited and watched us holding hands.
It was like crossing the street with a four-year-old, holding hands and moving to the tune of old age.
I wanted to weep, and I wanted to smile. From some deep inner resource came the power to smile.
That is what God can do in a human heart.
Love, Chris

Karen said...

I am so proud of you (and for you) on so many fronts: your success in finding joy with your mother, your success in the reading, your sobriety, and your gratitude. I'm actually in tears (talk about a dork!).

By the way, I tried to listen but the @#%$%$% computer wouldn't cooperate!

Calli said...

I am so happy you discovered my blog thru Steve and now I have discovered yours. This poem brought joy and your details of your outing with your mother, also inspired.

A beautiful lady living a beautiful life!

Oh, and because Karen is my friend I had to comment here as her comment made me smile in a big way! (Hi Karen!) ...darn those computers!!! ;0


Poetikat said...

You were brilliant!

Those "jaunty bandits"! Ha! Indeed.